I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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