why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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