DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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