when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
