Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
