Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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