Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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