In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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