Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
