Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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