The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
