Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
