I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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