Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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