I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
