I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
