I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He kissed a someone with a penis
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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