I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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