I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
