Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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