I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
