so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
