It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There r osticjed everywhere
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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