I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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