I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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