just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
