You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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