woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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