my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
