just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
