My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize