in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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