It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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