soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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