do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
