Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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