i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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