if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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