I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
