No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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