What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
