Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Randomize
