If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
