she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
