forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We had sex on a dog bed..
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
