Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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