i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize