I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
