I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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