Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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