new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
