Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
