Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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