M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
