did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize