It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she told me i tasted like america
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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