ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
