Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
