Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Randomize
