I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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