I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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