While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
