I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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